"You Too" and Stuff...

If it's "a penny for your thoughts" but you have to "put your two cents in", someone is making a penny somewhere.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Hey! I'm Quite Familiar with Striped Shirt Guy and His Friends...

Good morning! I just want everyone to be aware that I DID indeed prepare an entry yesterday for St. Patty's Day, unfortunately, when I went to post it, it never showed up and was lost and gone forever. I'm sorry if I've disappointed my loyal readers...you know who you are.

Today's entry, unlike yesterday's, isn't by me at all (thanks to Mike Polk at Phat Phree) but I wish that I would've thought of it because it's flippin' hysterical. Plus, really I can do almost whatever I want since it's the last day I'll ever have to be 27.

Don't I know this guy from somewhere? Oh yeah, EVERY BAR THAT I GO INTO!

"Look at my striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with a fine lady tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I'm a Junior Vice President! I even have cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!

My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!

I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I'm going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped!

I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my cereal every morning!

I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!

I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! I mean it!

I'm gonna grind on some girls tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dance all over her!

I will valet tonight! I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to 'Take it easy on the brakes, Champ!'

I will talk to people I don't know about my job tonight! They will all know that I'm an important man! I will call all female bartenders 'Babe' and all male bartenders 'Chief'!

When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that place is 'full of skanks'! We will wait in a long line at another bar only to strike out again!

I will give up and decide to order a gyro from a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!

I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for 'after hours'! When they reject me, I will make fun of them for being overweight! I will leave!

I will then go home and pass out! I will need some fucking shut eye so that I'll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow night!"


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