"You Too" and Stuff...

If it's "a penny for your thoughts" but you have to "put your two cents in", someone is making a penny somewhere.

Friday, April 01, 2005


Life can be funny...but it can also be cruel...when it takes those who are hysterical away from us. Sadly, Mitch Hedberg, one of my favorite comedians ever died this week of heart failure at the young age of 37. Many suspect drug use, his mother says that he was born with a heart defect....whatever the cause of death, it doesn't make the loss any less tragic. Check out some of his classic clips here. I've included some of my favorite Mitch Hedberg jokes. Enjoy!

  • "I would imagine that if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."

  • "At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said, 'Certainly.' He said, 'Do I need to dial 9?' I say, 'Yeah, especially if it's in the number.'"

  • "I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unecessary."

  • "This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty."

  • "I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I give you money and you give me a doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring paper and ink into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here.' It's in my file at home...under 'D' "

  • "My friend was walking down the street the other day and said, 'I hear music.' As if there were any other way to take it in. I tried to taste it, but it didn't work."

  • "It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. 'Whoa! Where's my wallet? But this song is funky...' "

  • "It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."

  • "I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me, they just say, 'Mitch', and I say, 'What?' and turn my head slightly."

  • "I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and told me that I was going to have to move because I was blocking a fire exit. As though if there were a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

  • "My friend said to me, 'You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' I was like, 'Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.'

  • "If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking down the sidewalk and they fell, that would be totally unacceptable."

  • "My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them to. I'm like, 'Hey! Hold on fellows! Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf!' Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me?"

  • "I opened a yogurt up, underneath the lid it said, 'Please try again' because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I had opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me...'Come on, Mitchell, don't give up!' An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom and hope on the top."

  • "On a traffic light, yellow means yield and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite. Yellow means go ahead and green means stop. Red means, where'd ya get that banana?"

  • "I use the word 'totally' too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. 'Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?' 'All-encompassingly...' "

  • "I haven't slept for ten days because that would be way too long."

  • "I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument because when I tried to walk out, I had to slam the flap."

  • "I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall."

  • "I love blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

  • "I think that foosball is a combination of soccer and shish-ka-bobs."

  • "I think that Pringles intention was to make tennis balls but on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is such a laid back company that they just said, 'Fuck it. Cut 'em up."

  • "When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying, 'Here, you throw this away.' "

  • "I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2,000 of something."

  • "When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy, they start a waiting list. They say, 'Dufrane, party of two, table ready for Dufrane, party of two' and if no one answers, they'll say the name again. 'Dufrane, party of two.' But if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. 'Bush, party of three.' Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care , who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrane's are in someone's trunk right now , with duct tape over their mouths and they're hungry. That's a double whammy! We need help! Bush search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes!!"


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