Friday Funnies...

I came across the most brilliant collection of "lightbulb" jokes so I thought I'd share my favorites. Enjoy!

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 10. One to actually change the bulb and 9 to drink until the room spins.

Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three, but they're really only One.

Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One...and that's not funny!

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, I'll just sit here in the dark, and this pain I have --- oy vey, you should never know...

Q: How many sound engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One-two, One-two, One-two

Q: How many Yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to mix the martinis and the other to call the electrician.

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Mmm...cookies! Wanna go ride bikes?

Q: How many Bush Administration Officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the lightbulb; it's conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That lightbulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

Q: How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heart-broken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeehaw" and throw his hat in the air.

Q: How many Emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None - they just sit in the dark, rock back and forth and cry...

Q: How many fratboys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They don't screw in lighbulbs, they screw in pools of vomit.

Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold my penis...I mean, my mother...I mean, the ladder.

Q: How many Lawrence Welk fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A one and a two and a... (don't groan, you guys totally saw that one coming....)

Q: How many pimps does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to hold the bulb and one to drive the pink Cadillac around in circles.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it really has to want to change.

Q: How many sorority girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to call daddy and 9 more to make t-shirts about the event.

Q: How many Viagra users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One little tablet and it's a whole new bulb.

Q: How many moms does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, YOURS! (my personal favorite...)

Q: How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They only screw the poor.

Q: How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. If they all stand around and light up then the bulb will eventually too.

Q: One.
A: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only two, but you have to figure out how to get them in there first.

Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a lightbulb?
A: No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. (that one is just for you, Brian)

Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Q: How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They prefer everything black anyway.

Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It depends on what you want them to change it into.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. You can change the damn thing yourself.

Q: How many midgets does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It depends on how high the ceiling is!

Q: How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on if it has health insurance or not.

Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who wants to know? Why?

It's Almost Here...!

I found this information today...An entire site dedicated to my soon-to-be-favorite possession, the Egg and Muffin Toaster! Take a look and put in your orders...I have a feeling they'll be flying off the shelf like another popular breakfast food, HOTCAKES!!!

"Candy Doesn't Have to Have a Point. That's Why It's Candy."

Well, folks, I did it. As much as I protested about Johnny Depp being the new Willy Wonka, I broke down and saw "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" earlier this week, complete with my very own Wonka bar...sans Golden Ticket...to munch on during the film. (If that isn't a great promotion...but that's another post...) The movie was amazing! If you tell someone that you saw it, the first thing that they ask is if you liked it better than the original. To me, they were two totally different movies. Thanks to director Tim Burton, we are taken into a darker world of "pure imagination" if you will, to join in the journey of five of the luckiest (and the most annoying) kids on Earth. This version of the film follows Roald Dahl's book more closely, right down to the surprise ending. Of course, I'm sure that Mr. Dahl could never have expected his book to turn out quite like this.

I went into the theater, as I said earlier, having issues with Johnny Depp (who doesn't even like chocolate...) playing the role of Wonka. Rumors flew around last year that he was given the role over others whom I'm thought would have fit the role a bit better such as Steve Martin, Jim Carrey, and Robin Williams. Now that I've seen the film, I can't see anyone more perfect for the part. The above mentioned would definitely have seemed out of place in this backdrop. This has everything to do with Tim Burton's signature quirkiness. If anyone else had directed it, the results may not have turned out so well for Depp. I had heard lots of things about Depp's interpretation of Wonka from it had a suttle Michael Jackson-ish feel to it all the way to Depp made the audience feel like they were watching a creepy pedophile. I liked Depp right immediately. He almost reminded me of Ed Wood with a wig. I think that the flashbacks to his childhood, which weren't in the book, but based on Burton's childhood experiences, really were effective in helping us gain the right amount of sympathy for Depp. This allowed us to cheer for him and hate all of the kids a little more. Again, Depp was brilliant and no one would have fit this role better. His strange, pastey-faced version of Wonka fit right in to Burton's vision.

I didn't really view this as a kid's movie after I saw it. I think that it would be scary for some, just like the original. I remember watching the original with a foreign exchange student from Korea in college and he made me turn the channel when he saw the "boat ride" scene. This version had violence, rabid squirrels, and adult jokes about cannibalism, which was my favorite quote in the movie, btw. If you've seen anything that Tim Burton has directed, then you know what kind of darkness to expect. You also know how delightful the fantasy can be.

Oh, and wasn't Deep Roy the cutest Oompa-Loompa ever? So talented!

Has anyone else had the "Willy Wonka Welcome" song in their head constantly since they walked out of the theater??

Here's some Willy Wonka Trivia that I ran across...

• 244,993 gallons of fake chocolate was used on the set of the movie, 38,000 was used for the waterfall alone.
• Marilyn Manson wanted to play the part of Willy Wonka so badly that he offered to do it for free.
• The singing voice of the Oompa Loompas belonged to Danny Elfman, the composer for the film, who overdubbed his voice dozens of times.
• Deep Roy played every Oompa Loompa himself, repeating the same movements hundreds of times. While these were put together digitally, each Oompa Loompa represents a separate performance by Roy. In recognition of this, his salary was raised to $1,000,000.
• The toothpaste factory where Charlie's dad worked was called "Smilex." This is also the name of the gas used by the Joker in the first "Batman" movie.
• A camera lens wasn't correctly attached when trying to get a shot of a vat of chocolate. As a result, the lens fell off, destroying it.
• Martin Scorsese was originally pegged to direct the film.
• The screenwriter for the film had never seen the original movie.
• 110,000 plastic chocolate bars were made and wrapped in Nestle wrappers.
• Nestle provided almost 2,000 bars of chocolate for the film.
• The lollipops on the trees, the giant pink sugar canes, and the giant humbugs were real candy.
• It took 20 weeks to build Wonka's boat, which really did float on the chocolate river.

The Final Countdown

Well, at 10:39 a.m. EST Tuesday morning, millions of dollars are headed to space in the form of the space shuttle Discovery. As of right now, everything is still a-go. We'll see what happens at 10:30 a.m. EST. I'm not saying that I don't have faith, I'm just saying that NASA's track record is no secret. Still, according to NASA's web site, you have to be amazed by the facts they share.

- The space shuttle goes from standing still on the launch pad to going more than 17,000 miles per hour in just over 8 minutes.

- There are more than 326 million trillon gallons of water on Earth.

- Data from satellite instruments are used by fishermen to find areas where fish are most likely to be found. (So that's where all the money is going...I thought we were wasting it just for the halibut...get it?)

- At any given moment, there are 1,800 thunderstorms happening somewhere on Earth.

- Around the world, the ozone layer averages about 3 millimeters thick, about the same as two pennies stacked on top of each other.

You can watch Tuesday's launch of the Discovery live here.

The Astronaut's Prayer

"Dear Lord, please don't let us fuck up."

Hope Ya Had a Great One..

Hello All! Happy Monday!

I decided this morning that I wanna take Frank's advice and "be a part of it"...now I can with this webcam. It's even complete with the noice and hustle and bustle of being in NYC. I'm gonna dedicate today's post to the guy pictured above. His name is Dave Potterbaum and he's headed to NYC tomorrow to take the Bar Exam so that he can get set up with a firm there. Just one more person I know who lives in NYC who I don't get around to visiting. Maybe I'll try a little harder this time. If he passes the Bar after all, it's time for a celebration!

Good Luck, Dave!

Just one more thing...I came across this interesting search engine. Check it out, I'm sure that it'll be helpful to you too. The format does look a little familiar...hmmm...where have I seen it before?

Welcome Lisa!

My friend Lisa just started her own blog about her on-going quest to find the right guy, traveling, and other Lisa-type stuff. Feel free to check it out!

Anybody else know of any blogs that they read regularly and would like to share with the rest of the world??

My Schlong is Longer Than Yours...

My high school friend, Jack, sent me this pic and I couldn't resist sharing it with y'all. This event ranks right up there with me attending RuPaul's Underwear Party last weekend in Madison (pics on their way, I promise...). Anyway, Jack hung out with Ron Jeremy at the Pimp/Ho Ball in Denver. The setting for the Ball was in an old Catholic church that has been de-sanctified and turned into a bar. Classy!!

Misc. Friday...

Well, I have a couple of interesting links for ya...

Ever wonder if there was a sex offender in your neighborhood? Check out the National Sex Offender Registry. It'll give you a mug shot and a street map. You can even search by city, county or zip code.

Now for a little Friday fun...check out this site that has supposedly been created by The Gap. You can create a virtual person to your liking, dress them up, and then watch them do a sexy strip tease as they change into their new outfit. It's great! Loved it!

Count Me In !!

Tell me now and tell me quickly...Who in the hell wouldn't want one of these????

I am addicted to kitchen gadgets and Back to Basics has developed this amazing invention that will allow me to partake in an Egg McMorgan every day. How perfect!

"Need toast? You've got it. Want a poached or hard boiled egg? It's yours. And if you want them together in your favorite breakfast sandwich, the Egg & Muffin Toaster also warms your pre-cooked meat. Bingo...ready to eat in about four minutes. It's sort of the drive-thru breakfast without the drive. One more way Back to Basics helps you make the foods you love."

The Egg & Muffin Toaster will be hitting stores this September...Everyone line up behind me!!

The 100th Post...Hooray!

I decided that I would also add some fun British slang courtesy of my friend, Ali, who lives in Essex. I believe that the discussion started after listening to a bit of The Streets music that he reccomended. He called me a fool when I questioned the lyrics and said, "What's wrong with you girl? It's all pretty plain English!"

"geezer" = man

"necking it" = french kissing

"queue" = a line of people waiting for something

"bird" = woman

"mashed" = drunk

"ITV" = TV station, number 3 after BBC1 and BBC2

"keen" - eager

"laryness" = the state of being argumentative

"2 plates of full English" = 2 English breakfasts on plates

"don't mug yourself" = don't beat yourself up

"pulling" = as in "pulling a bird" , ex: "grab your coat, you've pulled" can mean getting a snog (kiss), shag (laid), or finding a girl to have fun with

"spanner" = fool, idiot

Does anyone have any good slang/terms that they'd like to share? Post 'em here!

Can it be?? For Real??

Hey guys! I'm baaaack for good this time, ready to return to my daily blogging. Three cheers for Vincent for getting my computer up and running! Hoorah!

It's been a while since I've posted any pics and it's exciting to see the new system that Blogger is using...so easy! I can't wait to get my pics from this past weekend loaded onto my computer...nothing but fun and excitement for me all the time!

The above pic caught my eye...notice anything strange (or perhaps suggestive) about the subtitles? That's what ya get when you use interns...heh.

Ahhh...it's great to be back!

More Slang that You Should Probably Be Aware Of...

Now that summer is here, I've recently learned of some lingo of which we should all be familiar with...Learn well, my friends...

a.c. pee - That nasty drip from an air conditioning unit. Also known as "liquid garbage."

condenversation - The exchange of sweat by people in close quarters such as dance floors and elevators.

despair conditioning - An unexpected waft of cool air that is once disgusting and welcome in 90-degree heat.

filmic moment - A glistening sheen of sweat on your body or your belongings, and the realization that the sweat may not be your own.

glute glue - The cohesive agent that develops on the backs of thighs in July, forcing one to peel them off park benches, car seats, or bar stools.

little white line - The thong outline seen on girls wearing the wrong white pants.

pit fall - The unavoidable underarm stains one gets from wearing tight, nonbreathable tees.

shamtonite - Summer house freeloader

skimplify - To reduce the amount of cloth used to cover the body.

She's baaaaack...

Indeed I am...

Missed you guys...Vincent is still working on my computer so there is a small glimmer of hope that things will turn around and I can get back to my daily blogging...I really do miss it...even though there isn't really a whole lot to report on right now...

Let's see what I can think of anyway...

1) Vincent and I spent the day at Pine Lakes resort with my mother and her boyfriend. I rode in a golf cart for the first time and we visited Mark Twain caves...a little cold and creepy.

2) Vincent and I are heading to Madison this coming weekend to visit Jason and his new girlfriend, Crystal. While there we're going to be attend, now this is no lie, an "underwear party" hosted by RuPaul and opera in the park. I think that we're also going to be able to head up to the Dells to visit an old co-worker and her husband for breakfast....it should be nice and I'm looking forward to it.

3) A big "shout-out" to my friend Tara, who was informed today that she passed the physical agility test for the Illinois State Police....Hoorah! She was even able to drag the dummy through the window without it's head coming off...

4) Vincent just made the most horrible sound every in the bathroom...not poop-related, but more of a hacking, coughing, wretching sound....thanks!

5) My friend Ali, who lives in London, has been found safe and sound following this week's tragedy. I hadn't heard from him for a number of days, so I'm glad to know that he's doing well. My thoughts are with England at this time...

6) Vincent and I went to a fun Sherlock Holmes exhibit in Peoria today where we met up with a couple of his college friends and an old high school friend of mine and had dinner at Joe's Crab Shack...Tasty!

7) Due to lack of nothing better to do in the evening of the 23rd of this month, my friend Regena got tix to see Fantasia, the winner of "American Idol - Season 3"...not sure how excited I am, but that girl certainly can blow!

Well, wish things were back to normal because I have lots of fun pics to share...I'm working on it...well, Vincent is really the one working on it so we should be up and going soon...we shall see...

As far as upcoming adventures with me, I have the Wisconsin trip next weekend, a Mr. O show at the "Taste of Downtown" where they'll be recording a live CD (please come out and join...if you haven't seen a Mr. O show before I can guarantee that you'll be impressed...and what better reason to go than to see me, right?), a trip to the new vineyards in Oakford, IL which includes a performance by The Oohs. These are the activities that are leading me to the end of the month. We'll see if I survive...should be a fun one! I promise I'll be back soon, but keep the e-mails comin'!

Peace, Love and Crabs,
Jodi